My Pithy Thoughts

(28 November 2006, Hall in Tirol, Austria) A man reported missing was found the following morning in a trash compactor, the victim of a self-induced industrial accident. At first, the circumstances surrounding the 48-year-old man's death were hazy. But once the videotape from a monitoring camera was reviewed, all became clear.

The man, who worked for a parcel delivery service, had loaded the hydraulic press with empty boxes and started it up. At that point, the long-time employee walked to the edge of the charging (filling) hole, and used his foot to press the boxes further into the hydraulic trash compactor.

His foot was was seized by the press, and he was drawn into the chamber and crushed. He was not discovered until his colleagues needed to use the press again the next day.

(17 November 2006, Singapore) Picture a college dorm room. Dirty laundry, sexy posters, food wrappers, textbooks, and in the middle of it all, a 16-year-old male rocking out to loud music. A typical student, a typical day.

But this particular student, bouncing on his bed as he rocked out on his air guitar, was about to "take things too far," according to the coroner's report. Li Xiao Meng, a student at Singapore's Hua Business School, bounced up and down on his bed with such enthusiasm that he rocked himself right out of the third-floor window.

Normally the windows are locked, but students reportedly force the locks so they can sneak a cigarette. Perhaps alluding to Ted Nugent's rock song, the court ruled it a case of "Death By Misadventure."

(19 March 2006, Belize) Benjamin Franklin reputedly flew his kite in a lightning storm, going on to discover that lightning equals electricity. However, certain precautions must be taken to avoid sudden electrocution. Kennon, 26, replicated the conditions of Ben Franklin's experiment, but without Ben's sensible safety precautions. Kennon was flying a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire. The copper made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning towards the man. Just bad luck? Kennon's father told listeners his son was an electrician, and "should have known better." Kennon is survived by his parents, six sisters, and five brothers.

Lacking the miraculous powers of David Copperfield, let alone holy Jesus Christ, this ill-fated cleric found only a Darwin Award at the end of his final path.

(A related Personal Account from Palorca, Portugal: "I met an elder villager who once tried to walk on water. He strapped small floaters to his feet. He floated, all right, but upside down, with his head submersed. He was rescued by the spectators."

It would have been easier just to run their business....

(6 July 2006, Ohio) Insurance fraud is harder than it looks. Just ask Andreas, who lost his life trying to collect on an amputated limb. Just ask Musa and his son Essa, who hired an arsonist to burn down their Steak Thyme Subs shop so they could collect the insurance money. They promised him a $60,000 a year job, but where he would work once the shop was gone is unknown.

Three times he tried, and three times he failed to destroy the sandwich shop. The neighborhood was up in arms over the apparent "hate crimes" repeatedly being committed against the Jordanian immigrants. Whether it was a Molotov cocktail thrown through the window, or chairs doused with gasoline and set ablaze, the result was the same. Minor damage. This was getting them nowhere fast!

Eventually Musa grew tired of throwing good money after bad. For the fourth arson attempt, only 12 hours after the flaming chairs fizzled, he and his son decided to help out their hired hand. They spread gasoline around their eatery, so that a single match would do the trick.

Tragically, they apparently had more talent for arson than their amateur arsonist. They took a cigarette break. One lit cigarette later, an accidental gas explosion took out one wall, and burned both men over 80% of their bodies. Despite several weeks of hospitalized care, the men died from their injuries.

The inept arsonist faces a far lighter sentence: up to 10 years in prison.

[ sidebar: After the third bungled arson, Musa was interviewed by 9News. He said, "If someone is trying to shut me out of business, it's not going to happen. This is my life and (...) nobody's going to take that away from me." Nobody but himself!   Darwin notes that an innocent bystander suffered minor injuries; she was "treated and released" from the hospital. Therefore, Darwin has decided to bend the rules, and consider this father-son duo for a double Darwin Award. ]

14 more RPG grenades were found in a car parked nearby. Police believe the ammunition was being scavenged to sell as scrap metal. If it wasn't scrap then, it certainly is now!

(2006, Vietnam) In a similar event, a Rolling Stone isn't all that gathers no moss. Three men scavenging for scrap metal found an unexploded 500-pound bomb perched on a hill, and decided to retrieve it with help from Sir Isaac Newton. As they rolled the bomb down the hillside according to the laws of gravity, the bomb detonated, leaving a four-meter crater and sending the three entrepreneurs to a face-to-face meeting with their Maker.

Take a deep breath...

(3 June 2006, Florida) Two more candidates have thrown themselves into the running for a Darwin Award. The feet of Jason and Sara, both 21, were found protruding from a deflated, huge helium advertising balloon. Jason was a college student, and Sara attended community college, but apparently their education had glossed over the importance of oxygen.

The pair pulled down the 8' balloon, and climbed inside. Their last words consisted of high-pitched, incoherent giggling as they slowly passed out and passed into the hereafter.

Sheriff's deputies said the two were not victims of foul play. No drugs or alcohol were found. The medical examiner reported that helium inhalation was a significant factor in their deaths. A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her."

(17 April 2006, England) There's always someone who thinks good advice doesn't apply to him. For example, if a doctor advises that the one thing you must not do is go near a flame, as you are going to be covered wtih a flammable material, most people would take this advice onboard, and not strike a match until the flammable material has been removed.

However, Phillip, 60, knew better than his doctor. Philip was in the hospital to treat a skin disease, said treatment consisting of being smeared in paraffin-based cream. Philip was warned that the cream would ignite, so he definitely should NOT smoke. But he just couldn't live without that cigarette."

Smoking was not permitted anywhere on the ward, but Phillip took this setback in stride, and sneaked out onto a fire escape. Once he was hidden, he lit up... inhaled... and peace descended as he got his nicotine fix. Things went downhill only after he finished his cigarette, at the moment he ground out the butt with his heel.

The paraffin cream had been absorbed by his clothing. As his heel touched the butt, fumes from his pyjamas ignited. The resulting inferno "cremated" his skin condition, and left first-degree burns on much of his body. Despite excellent treatment, he died in intensive care.

Using the Darwin checklist:

1.Reproduction -- if he has children, he's not having more.
2.Excellence -- this one I'll remember!
3.Self-Selection -- he was warned paraffin & flames don't mix.
4.Maturity -- At 60 I guess he was old enough.
5.Veracity -- Major UK news carriers covered the story.

This ticks all the boxes, and though I feel sorry for the family, his death acts as a warning to others. If a doctor tells you not to smoke, there's a very good reason.